Lucius at the Loo
by Silver8
Summary: Even a Malfoy has to go there time and again. Some are struck with their greatest ideas there, while some have to endure the worst pain. But what applies to the Master of Malfoy Manor? Join Lucius in possibly his most private moments...


Lucius at the Loo 

***Lucius' inner monologue in the restroom***

At last!

It was in the nick of time, really.

That wretched house-elf must have been quite astonished that I didn't punish it more severely. There was no time to invent a creative chastisement. Still, I suppose shutting the ears in the oven door is getting old. I shall think of something new.

Hm. I might as well do that now. This will probably take longer than I anticipated.

What a shame that I have lent 'Torture and Chastise for Experts' to Goyle. He doesn't really need it, anyway. The disgust everybody must feel at the sight of his moronic face is certainly punishment enough. I should have him raid our kitchen at night to frighten the house-elves when they are cleaning up. Preferably wearing some sort of pink robes with golden embroidery to magnify the shocking effect.

Ew.

I can just picture him like that. How abominable

Now where exactly did that incredibly childish idea come from?

Doesn't matter.

*shudder*

It's definitely _not _convenient for a place like this to be so icy cold! A fireplace would be of advantage. But it could possibly turn out to be a problem if somebody called by Floo.

On the other hand…

*dirty smirk*

The looks on their faces…. might be entertaining.

ENOUGH!!

Get to the matter at hand, Lucius, and quit thinking like a fool!

Umph.

I sincerely hope nobody will ever think of creating a Torture Spell that bases on _this._

Then again…

I could explore the possibilities and keep the spell to myself.

Hee hee. Only a fool can assume that the time spent in a restroom is wasted time…

Come to think of it, time spent in here can be quite rewarding.

It all depends on your choice of pastime activity, I would say. Planning a new torture scheme for house-elves, for example, is a good choice.

After all, the surroundings are inspiring when it comes to suffering.

Master said that Potter is going to suffer beyond anyone's imagination when he's finally in our hands.

What about starting with exposing him to the stench of rotten cabbage mixed with vinegar?

For all the snakes of Slytherin, I hope nobody will ever ask me where I get all my ingenious ideas. And if anyone does, I'll lie.

I just wonder what the Dark Lord's place of creativity is…

NO!

You will cease immediately, Lucius!

Too bad nothing can inspire me more than this.

It's really disgusting, in fact.

Getting his best ideas in…in…

I'd better not even think about it.

I have to get out of here!

AT ONCE!

Damn. Damn. Damn.

I can't.

Blast! Did the walls move closer over the past fifteen minutes?!

Impossible.

But on the other hand… they do seem to be closer. Did I ever mention that I _hate _walls made out of unpolished stone?

I'll have them replaces by marble.

Polished.

The walls have _really_ drawn nearer!

One moment – since when do I find my own Manor creepy?

Hm. I guess I always did. And it's all Grandfather Constantin's fault! If he hadn't told me about the rooms which, once they had someone trapped, never released them again and about the zombies that emerged from the dungeon every Friday 13th…

I do hope this is not one of those trap-rooms. They are rumored to activate themselves at highly inconvenient moment.

And this would be a most inconvenient one.

C'mon, Lucius, get a move on!

Aargh.

Umph.

Hopefully, these walls are soundproof. If not… well, let's better drop this.

Oh nooo.

This is worse than Cruciatus.

Gneee…

Mmmphh…

Never, ever will I eat great-aunt Martha's chocolate cake again!

Uh-oh.

I _promise!_

Ooooff…

It's a hard life. But I have won. I always do.

Damn. My hands are shaking. They are not supposed to do that. A Malfoy does not show any weakness!

At least, no-one can see me here.

I hope, that is.

Fortunately, nobody can read my mind.

I hope, that is.

Now let's get out. My job here is done, finally.

This place really _is _disturbing.

Bad vibes or something.

It is definitely _evil._

***End of inner monologue***

A/N: If you think this is unlike Lucius because it's so childish… well, in places like this one, you can easily get crazy ideas out of boredom. Even if you are a Death Eater. No, scratch that. _Especially _when you are a Death Eater ;-). They are all mad.


End file.
